When I was about nine I made a pact with God. I would read the Bible and constantly realize how imperfect humans are. Even those with the greatest intentions will sin against God, and as our merciful Father he will always love us. But it did kind of saddened me that I could not do one perfect thing for God. So I promised that I would remain a virgin until marriage as the one thing I would do “right”. I was not influenced by outside views, I was not aware of the social constructions surrounding a woman’s virginity, I was just nine and it was just a promise between me and God.
More than a decade later, I have definitely come to see the unfair social controversy around women’s right to sexual expression (Adjoa’s opinion: it’s no one’s business or decision but the woman’s) and the consequences in dating in this age as a virgin. I was watching the MTV show “Decoded” and it talked about the virginity double standard, and I definitely agree with how negative and hurtful slut-shaming is. But there is a side no one talks about: virgin judgement. And this is not in anyway to take away from slut shaming or compare the two but I have noticed that people are unaware of that experience. In this generation, from my observations, when people hear I’m a virgin they don’t believe it (cause who in their right mind would be a virgin at 21, and by choice! Tf sis), they think I will judge them (I didn’t judge you before, why would I now? It’s your right and YOUR business), or that I don’t know anything about sex, I’m innocent, or ms goody-shoes (virginity doesn’t equal innocence, purity or none of that bs, and I probably know and talk more about sex than you think).
In terms of dating: it’s definitely weird but doable. Most guys don’t want to date virgins, and that’s okay. Some think they can change your mind (goodluck in your impossible mission). And for me it has definitely narrowed the field and has affected who I give my time to or take seriously.
Growing up my decision has become more than a promise, and more than my religion as I realize the negative experiences women have endured due to misconceptions about virginity. This promise has become more like a personal choice to practice abstinence til I marry and a healthy life choice since I haven’t had health insurance for the past 4 years and can’t afford to live a healthy sex life (Tip: you should use more than condoms to protect your reproductive health). And as I like to tell my friends I just wanna be a hoe for one person lol. Nonetheless, these conceptions, peer judgement, and dating pressure sometimes make it hard for me to reveal my choice to remain abstinent.
All in all I just wanted to offer a different narrative to what is usually heard. Everyone is different and has various reasons for their behaviors but it’s important to be open minded and to not continue to perpetuate stereotypes. Virgins aren’t pure, not every virgin does it by choice or as a religious choice, not everyone judges others right to choose other ways. We should all stop judging. And honestly it ain’t none of your damn business.
P.S. Virginity is nothing but a terrible social construct to oppress women and further sexist patriarchal views. There’s no such thing as virginity, but inexperience/abstinence in sexual relationships.