Category: Uncategorized

Lost

I can be pretty hard on myself. Sometimes I overthink, overanalyze. And other times I really don’t care, I put my emotions away and ignore them. But most of the times, I’m overthinking, and it get so overwhelming. For example, I think about my future a lot. What I want to do with my life, and how I can achieve those goals. Like right now, before writing this, I sat on my desk thinking about what kind of doctor I want to be, the people I want to help, where exactly I want to go that may need my help, if I will be capable of helping, am I doing enough right now, what is the right path to achieve my goals, is there even a right path…

Writing down the things that go through my mind helps clear my head.

What helps me the most is my faith. I have this sense of understanding, confidence not in myself but in God that no matter what I will be okay, I will be more than fine. I know I overthink a lot, and before I used to believe that certain things are supposed to happen in a specific way. But this past year I have learned that God’s plan (not the drake song) differs from mine and it’s even better. A character in the book I’m reading stated “Deep down you always know who you are, who you are supposed to become”; I find that to be true. Deep down I know who I am and what my purpose is & I’ve ever doubted that, but it is the journey that I am unsure about. I get worried, impatient thinking it’s not happening fast enough, or I’m not doing enough. I have learned to put my faith in God. It is okay that I think and plan, but I should not overthink, worry or get discouraged when things do not pan out the way I thought because at the end of the day, it’s all for the better. He will get me where I am supposed to get. What is meant to be will be, by His Grace.

I am sure this may sound nuts, but I am also sure that there are many young people out there who do wonder whether they are on the right path, who sometimes feel like they are not doing enough or the right things. You are not alone.

Living Our Dreams

Throughout our lives, my siblings and I were often asked the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up”. My parents immigrated across the globe, because of what my brother and I wanted to be when we grow up. I often hear young people (especially children of immigrants) speaking about the pressure they feel from their parents to strive for a better life than they had. I’ve felt this pressure my entire life, as I’ve been an immigrant in two countries since the age of five.

I am reminded of that pressure, the responsibility to strive to do the best that I can (and sometimes can’t) for myself, and most importantly so that the many sacrifices that my parents have made and continue to make, are not in vain.

It never crossed my mind to question what my parents dreamed about being in the future when they were younger.  They definitely did not dream about leaving their country to be considered “illegals”, “criminals”, “job stealers”, or “a problem to be dealt with to make a country great again”.

Nonetheless,  they did dream about being lawyers, doctors, nurses, more importantly they dreamed about making a better life for themselves and their children, they did dream about traveling to places that present opportunities that they were never offered before, they dreamed of a better life for their children.

In a way, what we want to be in the future is part of our parents’ dream, seeing us attend universities, travel to places, getting the opportunity to accomplish our dreams, is their dream coming true.

You Only Live Once

Do you ever feel restless? Filled with boredom? I feel stuck, but full of energy to do more, to experience, to live. Lately I just find myself searching to live, to go out, do something. I used to be content with staying in and enjoying time alone. I still do, but I have this feeling that even though I am alive, I’m not living. There’s more out there for me to experience, learn from. I have outgrown being here, Galloway…Newark…New Jersey. I need to leave and live. I feel the best during the times when I travel, meet other people, see places, experience things I have never before. That’s when I feel alive, I feel growth within and around me.

I’m unsatisfied, uninspired, content but not excited, alive but not living. I’m restless.

Don’t wait. The time will never be just right.

I write to keep my sanity. I write at night, because it’s the time where I feel most inspired. I write because there is so much to me, in me, that I can’t make sense of, and I am still understanding. Having finally found the courage to share my thoughts with the world, I hope through my chaotic life experiences, my writing will bring you some understanding to life as it brings to me.