Vulnerable Thoughts on a Tuesday night- June 18th

I find myself at the beginning of a new biomedical program questioning whether I belong there or whether I belong in the medical field. Even though I have research experience, sometimes I feel very insecure about the fact that I don’t have a lot of medical volunteer or clinical experience from my undergrad. It makes me feel like that my passion for medicine is not enough (especially compared to other medical students), that maybe I’m not made for this. I know I am, I know that I have a passion to research medicine, provide treatments to directly improve the health of marginalized communities and improve policy affecting the care these communities can receive. That’s what I want to do with all my heart and I have involved myself in experiences that will enrich me and train me for my future career.

Nonetheless often I feel that I haven’t done enough, I’m not enough to continue this journey and get into medical school. I don’t know if anyone else goes through imposter syndrome, but it’s so real to me especially when surrounded by great students who have accomplished so much I admire that I begin to downplay and second guess my accomplishments and deem them as irrelevant.

Professors and medical researchers I have worked with and mentors I have met, have stressed to me numerous times that I belong in this field and to walk tall…and I definitely try my best to believe that but it is still difficult not to give way to my doubts

….

I live my life, trying my best to live in the moment. It’s hard as an over thinker to not dwell on the past, but through prayers I have learned to be better and leave things in the past or as I like better to say in the hands of God. However, sometimes I feel like God is toying with me… this might not be right to think. But, every time I seem to have moved on & “forgotten” about a certain someone who broke my heart, God brings little things back. I will have an encounter, see a picture, or hear the name…subtle things that as much as I hate still get a reaction of surprise, annoyance, curiosity out of me. I have prayed many times to remove such reminders from my life but as soon as I move on, something brings me backwards. It’s like I keep trying to close a door that will not stay shut. Yes, closures are overrated but how do I move on without them?

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