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Discovering My Roots

I remember when I first moved to Italy as a young girl and it dawned on me that I was black. It dawned on me that my home country from the rich continent of Africa was seen as a hopeless land filled with nothing but poverty. I was hurt and ashamed. My ignorant self desired to not be from there. I attached to Italy as my home. Which it did become, but I shouldn’t have negated my homeland. As I grew up I began to understand how wrong people’s perceptions of Africa were. I began to appreciate my parents for never letting me forget my native tongue, (Twi), I began to love my non-English name, I began to take pride in my people, found no feeling than that of being surrounded by fellow Africans and dancing to our music, no better satisfaction than eating jollof rice or yams with nktombre stew.

I always bother my parents with questions of where they’re from, what tribe do we belong to, the traditions, meanings of different cloths and why we wear them. I’ve always been an avid reader but in Italy they didn’t print (or maybe I couldn’t find) books with black or African authors. When I was 16 and discovered authors like Lesley Lokko and Chimamanda Ngozi Adiche who opened the door for me to African literature and authors that have led me discover more about the history of Africa (I always don’t understand why this and history of other “developing countries” are not taught in schools like I’m tired of hearing about French Revolution for the 10th time as a senior in college-but that’s another story) and myself as an African woman.

I’ve been reading this book “Homegoing” by Yaa Gyasi (I recommend you all to read) that explores the lineage of two half sisters (one who remained in Ghana while the other captured as a slave to America). The description of the different tribes and the importance the characters place on their background challenged me to find more about myself. *checkout my tribe lineage below*

As I move away on my own, away from my first direct contact with my homeland, my parents, I really fear to loose my connection and touch with my African culture. I can’t read twi, only speak it. There aren’t many shows in that language or i can’t just go to any store and buy shitor or the ingredients to make it. The things that connect me to my homeland are harder to come by.

But I’ve made a vow to never loose touch with that, because as I grow up I’ve come to realize how important my culture is to me and how much it affects who am I.

*Note spellings of locations interpreted to the best of my abilities*

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Eat It Right

I think about my health a lot and for some time now I have been more conscious about the food I eat, and taking more actions to improve my nutrition. Whether through meal prepping, adding more vegetables, eating less processed food (I was never a fan of frozen and packaged meals) or making sure my plates are balanced, I try my best to make sure I’m eating a healthy diet.

However, this lifestyle is really difficult because eating healthy is not always what we want to do or what we think tastes good, it’s not cheap, it’s not readily available and it’s time consuming. (Plus I really love candy and I don’t how to live without it lol).

Nonetheless by eating right, I definitely feel positive changes in my body, my mood and energy. Proper nutrition is really key to a healthy life and decreases the risks of developing many illnesses.

I recently went to a seminar that profoundly challenged me to think about the struggles surrounding nutrition. The challenges due to finances, lack of access to proper foods, surrounding environment being a food desert, the American culture itself that does not promote or allow people to follow a healthy diet. It is true that many of us struggle to eat healthy because we can’t afford it, we don’t know what to cook (or how to cook as reiterated in the seminar), and are not educated on the foods we eat and their nutritional value (or lack of).

Recent incidents of forever 21 sending diet bars to its plus size clients or the Macy’s mom jeans plates also make me realize how society is taking the wrong approach of shaming people as a way they think is “promoting healthy nutrition”. Eating small portions is not a healthy diet, eating diet bars to lose weight is not a healthy diet. Instead of this, we should focus on educating ourselves about what foods benefits our health, advocating for cheaper prices for healthy foods and for more access to food resources for those without, and changing our diets to benefit our lifestyle and health and not to fit in jeans.

Even as I write this I know it’s easier said than done. But it’s important to be aware of these facts and challenges about our nutrition and make the effort to eat right.

P.S. find out more about what I learned from Dr. Edwin K. McDonald at https://thedocskitchen.com/

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Vulnerable Thoughts on a Tuesday night- June 18th

I find myself at the beginning of a new biomedical program questioning whether I belong there or whether I belong in the medical field. Even though I have research experience, sometimes I feel very insecure about the fact that I don’t have a lot of medical volunteer or clinical experience from my undergrad. It makes me feel like that my passion for medicine is not enough (especially compared to other medical students), that maybe I’m not made for this. I know I am, I know that I have a passion to research medicine, provide treatments to directly improve the health of marginalized communities and improve policy affecting the care these communities can receive. That’s what I want to do with all my heart and I have involved myself in experiences that will enrich me and train me for my future career.

Nonetheless often I feel that I haven’t done enough, I’m not enough to continue this journey and get into medical school. I don’t know if anyone else goes through imposter syndrome, but it’s so real to me especially when surrounded by great students who have accomplished so much I admire that I begin to downplay and second guess my accomplishments and deem them as irrelevant.

Professors and medical researchers I have worked with and mentors I have met, have stressed to me numerous times that I belong in this field and to walk tall…and I definitely try my best to believe that but it is still difficult not to give way to my doubts

….

I live my life, trying my best to live in the moment. It’s hard as an over thinker to not dwell on the past, but through prayers I have learned to be better and leave things in the past or as I like better to say in the hands of God. However, sometimes I feel like God is toying with me… this might not be right to think. But, every time I seem to have moved on & “forgotten” about a certain someone who broke my heart, God brings little things back. I will have an encounter, see a picture, or hear the name…subtle things that as much as I hate still get a reaction of surprise, annoyance, curiosity out of me. I have prayed many times to remove such reminders from my life but as soon as I move on, something brings me backwards. It’s like I keep trying to close a door that will not stay shut. Yes, closures are overrated but how do I move on without them?

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Saying Goodbye

Today at work, as I walked around, I realized that this might truly be the last time I do this, that I’m on this campus. Yes it’s been almost three weeks since graduation, but it still hasn’t settled in. I never really paused and digested the fact, as I was enthusiastic about the prospect of moving onto the chapter of my life.

However, today I decided to take a moment, walk by Lake Fred (get chased by one of those big flying insects) and reflect on the chapter of my life at Stockton.

One of my favorite memories will be the start of my junior year, becoming a TALONS (The Activity Leaders of New Students) and part of the student development team. I don’t know what I was on but my energy and enthusiasm was at all time high and everyone surrounding me was on the same energy level and it was great. It was the first time I really felt connected with my peers and also felt that I was giving back to the community as a TALONS, part of the student development team, eboard member to great organizations and a senator.

For that I want to say thank you; to all of sky and orange triblets for letting me share an awesome experience with you; to my fellow co-TALONS for showing me what it means to be kind, fun and a role model for others; to the student development team for teaching me how a friendly, safe and encouraging working environment is key to success; to my fellow African sisters from the ASO eboard for all the laughs and amazing fashion shows; to Model UN for adhering to my passion for global affairs and bringing me some of my closest friends (#MUNlove); to Student Senate for helping me find my voice and learning to stand up for what I believe in; to my lab partners and professors for making me fall more in love with science; and to everyone I spoke to who in someway impacted my time at Stockton.

Surely, it took me sometime to find my home at Stockton and even with that it was a wonderful adventure full of tears (shout out to Chem and Physics), laughs, frustrations, joy and great opportunities for growth. I’m grateful and now ready to embrace life and see what awaits me outside of Jersey.

P.S. To fellow freshmen or sophomores reading this, those great moments will come, live fully in them, cherish them, find your passion and work on it. Everything else will work out; and if and when you still find yourself lost, embrace it and learn from your experiences…you won’t have everything figured out by senior year but if I have learned anything: is to have Faith.

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The White Victim.

Please note: this post is reflective of mine and the experiences of other people of color in our current environment. Not meant to generalize everyone but it’s a very real issue that we are faced with constantly.

I had to learn to advocate for myself from a young age. It’s due to my circumstances growing up and learning that I didn’t have allies everywhere I went. That as a young black woman, I would be put into situations where I would have to be brave and vocal, otherwise I would not be listened to or respected.

I have come to understand that not everyone has been raised like that or understands why black women take actions for ourselves, rather than wait around to be rescued. Because even when we need someone by our side, that is not granted to us, at least not in the same way it is granted to our white companions.

I realized to the extent of how white privilege is real and can affect my reputation even with people that I have known for a while. In the face of issues, we are never given the benefit of the doubt. We are in the wrong because we responded, but the person is never wrong for initiating the situation.

In the face of disagreements, which are natural to occur between people, when a black person stands up for themselves and is vocal, they are seen as threatening, no matter what. We are expected to listen and abide, but never respond because our voices are too loud and too intimidating. We are expected to listen and abide but never have an opinion of our own because it’s just not true, our feelings cannot be the truth because the other person feels differently and theirs is valid. We are expected to listen and abide, but never show any emotion because we are supposed to know it’s going to be seen as nothing but anger, and you don’t want to be the angry black girl.

But damn I am angry. I’m angry that in every situation where we get provoked, challenged by a white person and decide to voice our opinion it’s seen as threatening, “too much” and we are the ones who are, at the end in a way be, reprimanded. We are the ones who have to be removed, who have to take the first step to fix the situation, we are the ones asked to apologize. I’m angry that I see multiple people of color around me going through the same thing. I’m angry this is the kind of thing I will have to deal with my whole life. I’m angry that white people are quick to call the police or what can be seen as a higher figure when things don’t go their away and they presume our rights and freedom as an attack to their space.

I’m not saying that we are always right, that’s not the case. However, I do want to encourage white counterparts, in the face of disagreements and complaints, to listen and value the other party in the same way as they do for white people; and that before moving forward to deeply consider if you are fair in your solution so that the other doesn’t find themselves being the only one making amends. I would also say that before going ahead and involving other people (or calling the cops and becoming “Permit Patty” kind of person) to think if you have tried talking to other people, and whether the actions of the other person are truly a threat to your space.  The question of whether your “fear or discomfort” is based on your bias.

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Not Defined By Others

In the last few months I’ve been learning how to be emotionally independent.

What I mean by that is not just being in touch or more in sync with my emotions but also not allowing what other people do or say control how I feel, especially about myself.

What people do can lead you to feel some type of way however I recognized that sometimes I would let that dictate the way I felt about myself and allowed it to invade my entire day and life. I’m learning not to anymore.

Just because someone does not appreciate me or love me the way I want them to or the way I love them, does not mean I’m not good enough to be loved. Just because in a friendship, I’m investing more time and dedication doesn’t mean I don’t deserve the same kind of commitment or that there’s something wrong with me.

A friend of mine often likes to say that not everyone shows love (or handles issues-which I will write about soon) the same way as you. There’s truth to that as well. The way people act and deal with life may have nothing to do with the way they feel about you, that’s why it’s important to have a conversation to understand more of each other. Just because they don’t show love the same way you do, doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you. However if you feel that you are being that for granted, let that person know. You’re never wrong to voice that.

You are never wrong to love and be kind; and if you feel like in any relationship you are not receiving the same level of commitment and appreciation, have that conversation and if necessary remove yourself. “We accept the love we think we deserve” and honey you deserve the world, don’t let anyone make you think otherwise or that you’re not enough to deserve that type of love.

Most importantly never let anyone  degrade the way you feel about yourself.

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Girls Like Me

Girls like me grow up not seeing girls like them in lead roles in tv

Girls like me grow up thinking their skin color isn’t beautiful because society falsely tells them so

Girls like me are told that straight hair is beautiful and professional not their curly, nappy hair

Girls like me constantly get their passion misconstrued as anger

Girls like me have to work twice as hard to prove that they are worth what other girls are given for free

Girls like me have to constantly prove that they belong somewhere because others think they are there to make the “diversity mark”

Girls like me are always photographed during school events because they show diversity

Girls like me are most times the “only ones like look them” in a room

Girls like me are told they are too intimidating for boys

Girls like me are told if they are too strong or ambitious they will never find a man

Girls like me are taught to be independent

Girls like me have to translate the language for their parents

Girls like me are first generations whose dreams don’t just belong to them

Girls like me have parents who have sacrificed too much for them to think that giving up is ever an option

Girls like me fear the current political climate because of their undocumented family members

Girls like me… You’re not alone…you’re strong and beautiful enough

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Sorry, Not Sorry

I always feel, no felt, guilty about putting myself first. I don’t know, it was just something about thinking about myself and prioritizing me, that made me feel unreasonably selfish. I mean good people put others first, right? That’s what I thought you know, and that it’s bad to be selfish. No, not necessarily.

Something that I have noticed is that I am not alone in feeling this way. Especially looking at other student-leaders, especially females, I feel like we are always hesitant to say no, to put ourselves first, to take time for ourselves. We are always somehow apologizing for not living to some sort of standard, or letting other people down, but as the character of Blake Lively said in the movie “A Simple Favor” (if you haven’t, you should totally watch it), we should stop saying sorry -‘it’s a fucked up female habit”. And that’s true, stop saying sorry, especially when it comes to taking care of yourself.

It’s okay to say “fuck it”. I’m not promoting not giving a crap about anything, but if you are like me you may tend to overthink, overanalyze, over-stress over situations. So sometimes, for your own sanity it’’s good to let things go and let life just happen.

I like to have control so I can understand if this seems really hard to do, but I have learned that you can’t control everything and you just need to have faith that somethings are just going to work out. Somethings will survive without your involvement, your club will be okay if you take a day off to dedicate to other commitments, it is okay to postpone a deadline you’ve set for yourself if other things come up, people are going to be okay if you respond to that email in a fews hours or even the next day. Trust me. I was the type to always respond to emails or text messages IMMEDIATELY, but now I decide to let it wait because I have other things to focus on (yes naps count) and I have come to recognize that nothing is going to collapse without my immediate response. You can be on top of things without sacrificing your own feelings or wellbeing. It is okay to say you can’t handle this, or to delegate responsibilities to others and trust your teammates to do their jobs.

I noticed that I am always checking up on others, making sure that everyone and everything around me is okay (which is a great thing to do-be supportive of your colleagues, friends and family) but then I would not deal with my own feelings and problems. I would not check up on Adjoa. At the cost of making others feel better, I would sacrifice my own thoughts. That’s not healthy. Also because things would end up piling up and piling up and what a mess I was when I broke down!

So now it’s not that I care less about other things or people, I just care more about me, you know. I factor myself more into the equation. People around you may notice and feel like you don’t care about them, or are distancing yourself but it’s not your responsibility to make other people feel better about your decisions (especially for yourself). No one but you has to be okay with you.

Plus you can’t make others feel good, if you yourself are not good. So before asking how so and so is doing, ask yourself about yourself. Check yourself before you check others.

This is the time for us to be “selfish” to concentrate on ourselves, to get to know who we are without external influences, to learn how to take care of our mental health, to learn how to stand up for our decisions/opinions. We have to learn this now, so that we can learn to conquer the real world without sacrificing ourselves.

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Disconnected

Yesterday I woke up feeling the desire to disappear. I just wanted to hit pause for a bit, you know? I just wanted to stop and live, just me, with no outside influence .

I wake up and the first thing I check is Instagram and I got sick and tired of looking at other people’s lives. I didn’t need to know what others were doing to inevitably compare my life to theirs. But I felt like it was something I needed to and did (too much) everyday. I used Instagram for laughs too because God the internet is so funny, or to relate to others because it’s good to see that I’m not alone going through something’s, or to boost my confidence because it’s one of the only places I see girls who look like me shown and represented in a good way too, and to connect with friends because that’s a gift of social media.

Nonetheless I disconnected. At first I felt good you know. It was like a big relief, I don’t know,it felt right. But it was challenging: I noticed I would pick up my phone and not having nothing to check I would put it back down and go back to my book. A few minutes later, the same routine repeat the routine again.

The big surprise is not that I missed looking into what others were doing, or any of the things mentioned earlier but I noticed how many times I felt the need to make a post. Something would happened and I would reach for my phone because I have to post about it, then realize no. I was so surprised by how much it happened so much and questioned why do I feel the constant need to post certain things? Is it because it’s a way for me to show or share parts of my life with others? Is it a way to see who cares enough about me to see what I’m doing?

I liked being disconnected, but I hated feeling disconnected from others.

All in all I lasted a day (😂💀). It felt good to disconnect for a day, I will challenge myself and you too to take a break more often.

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China Travel Blog: The Black Traveler

During my lifetime (so far and I pray in the future) I have been blessed with the opportunities to travel to different cities and countries. My parents say I have a itch and can’t stay in one place. They’re right. Nonetheless in all the places I traveled I never thought about traveling as a person of color until my recent trip to China. All the previous places I’ve traveled to, have been exposed to and have people with a dark skin tone like myself within their communities. However in China, I realized that not every community has had interactions with black people before, if ever. Many times, I was stopped by people to take pictures with them, pointed at, stared at, touched (sometimes without permission), sometimes even followed. Some interactions were pleasant, others not so much. My other white companions did not receive the same treatment, not at the obsessive level I and other black visitors experienced. It made me realize that my black skin signifies something around the world. I may not have realized it before but there will be places where I travel to where my presence will generate a reaction. I will never be just another tourist visiting a place. My presence will be questioned, will marvel people, will turn some off, will be noticed… I can’t be invisible. In China when incidents like this would happen, I didn’t know what to make of them (I did get upset when one woman grabbed me without my permission and kept following me) but I was not annoyed by the incidents. I was mostly concerned about the ignorance and lack of exposure to black representation, knowledge, or people. I didn’t blame the individuals, I didn’t know who was at fault but it made me realized that there’s a different kind of wonder, or maybe prejudice surrounding my blackness. I mean black skin is beautiful, full of melanin and brightness I would want to (at a respectable distance) admire it too…

Regardless it does make me wonder what other places will I travel to that have never been exposed to black people? Will this ignorance/lack of knowledge lead to discriminatory actions? Unfortunately it wouldn’t surprise me if the answer is yes.