The 21 Year Old Virgin

When I was about nine I made a pact with God. I would read the Bible and constantly realize how imperfect humans are. Even those with the greatest intentions will sin against God, and as our merciful Father he will always love us. But it did kind of saddened me that I could not do one perfect thing for God. So I promised that I would remain a virgin until marriage as the one thing I would do “right”. I was not influenced by outside views, I was not aware of the social constructions surrounding a woman’s virginity, I was just nine and it was just a promise between me and God.

More than a decade later, I have definitely come to see the unfair social controversy around women’s right to sexual expression (Adjoa’s opinion: it’s no one’s business or decision but the woman’s) and the consequences in dating in this age as a virgin. I was watching the MTV show “Decoded” and it talked about the virginity double standard, and I definitely agree with how negative and hurtful slut-shaming is. But there is a side no one talks about: virgin judgement. And this is not in anyway to take away from slut shaming or compare the two but I have noticed that people are unaware of that experience. In this generation, from my observations, when people hear I’m a virgin they don’t believe it (cause who in their right mind would be a virgin at 21, and by choice! Tf sis), they think I will judge them (I didn’t judge you before, why would I now? It’s your right and YOUR business), or that I don’t know anything about sex, I’m innocent, or ms goody-shoes (virginity doesn’t equal innocence, purity or none of that bs, and I probably know and talk more about sex than you think).

In terms of dating: it’s definitely weird but doable. Most guys don’t want to date virgins, and that’s okay. Some think they can change your mind (goodluck in your impossible mission). And for me it has definitely narrowed the field and has affected who I give my time to or take seriously.

Growing up my decision has become more than a promise, and more than my religion as I realize the negative experiences women have endured due to misconceptions about virginity. This promise has become more like a personal choice to practice abstinence til I marry and a healthy life choice since I haven’t had health insurance for the past 4 years and can’t afford to live a healthy sex life (Tip: you should use more than condoms to protect your reproductive health). And as I like to tell my friends I just wanna be a hoe for one person lol. Nonetheless, these conceptions, peer judgement, and dating pressure sometimes make it hard for me to reveal my choice to remain abstinent.

All in all I just wanted to offer a different narrative to what is usually heard. Everyone is different and has various reasons for their behaviors but it’s important to be open minded and to not continue to perpetuate stereotypes. Virgins aren’t pure, not every virgin does it by choice or as a religious choice, not everyone judges others right to choose other ways. We should all stop judging. And honestly it ain’t none of your damn business.

P.S. Virginity is nothing but a terrible social construct to oppress women and further sexist patriarchal views. There’s no such thing as virginity, but inexperience/abstinence in sexual relationships.

What’s next?

I always have a plan. But right now I don’t even have a pla-. It’s a bit scary because I will be graduating in about 6 months and have no idea what I am going to do during my gap year. As someone who is always on the move, kind of a planning freak, not knowing what to do next terrifies me. I don’t want to just sit home because I feel like there’s nothing for me in the city we live in, I don’t want to be a burden to my parents and I need something to do, I need a purpose, a function, I need to be useful. Oh and it doesn’t help that I’m broke. I’m so terrified, I’m calm (if that feeling can even be put to words). If that’s not enough, preparing and applying to Med School is terrifying, mind-consuming and constantly makes me question if I’m good enough. I mean I pray and believe that God will make it all happen in due time, but whew the toll on mental health: I can’t help but feel nervous, anxious, scared and at lost all the time. And as I prepare to go home for the break, having to face questions from parents about what’s next and having no answer for them is worrisome too. It’s going to be funny because I’m going to just stare at them like bruh who even knows.

Lost

I can be pretty hard on myself. Sometimes I overthink, overanalyze. And other times I really don’t care, I put my emotions away and ignore them. But most of the times, I’m overthinking, and it get so overwhelming. For example, I think about my future a lot. What I want to do with my life, and how I can achieve those goals. Like right now, before writing this, I sat on my desk thinking about what kind of doctor I want to be, the people I want to help, where exactly I want to go that may need my help, if I will be capable of helping, am I doing enough right now, what is the right path to achieve my goals, is there even a right path…

Writing down the things that go through my mind helps clear my head.

What helps me the most is my faith. I have this sense of understanding, confidence not in myself but in God that no matter what I will be okay, I will be more than fine. I know I overthink a lot, and before I used to believe that certain things are supposed to happen in a specific way. But this past year I have learned that God’s plan (not the drake song) differs from mine and it’s even better. A character in the book I’m reading stated “Deep down you always know who you are, who you are supposed to become”; I find that to be true. Deep down I know who I am and what my purpose is & I’ve ever doubted that, but it is the journey that I am unsure about. I get worried, impatient thinking it’s not happening fast enough, or I’m not doing enough. I have learned to put my faith in God. It is okay that I think and plan, but I should not overthink, worry or get discouraged when things do not pan out the way I thought because at the end of the day, it’s all for the better. He will get me where I am supposed to get. What is meant to be will be, by His Grace.

I am sure this may sound nuts, but I am also sure that there are many young people out there who do wonder whether they are on the right path, who sometimes feel like they are not doing enough or the right things. You are not alone.

Reproductive Justice for All

I haven’t had health insurance for over two years now, however living in a first world country I am aware that worse come for worse I can find the adequate resources to address my reproductive health. That is not possible for many women around the globe. In many developing countries there is a severe lack of resources dedicated to health care, particularly reproductive health. Twenty years ago my mother gave birth to me on blanket on a floor in one of the most stable hospitals in our homeland Ghana. Twenty years later there is still an enormous lack of resources in developing countries and the situation is not improving for women around the globe. Policies imposed by the United States has impact on the lives of thousands of marginalized communities worldwide.

The Trump Administration has extended the Global GAG Rule (AKA Mexico City Policy) towards all global health. This policy prohibits all institutions abroad receiving US funds from mentioning, discussing, referring to abortions in any means, otherwise they will lose their funding. Due to this unethical principle many health organizations, such as Family Health Options in Kenya, are losing funding used not only to address family planning and reproductive health but also to support other health services (child nutrition, vaccinations, educational health programs, and others).

For clarification the US has never funded abortions anywhere, therefore the Global GAG rule actually hurts healthcare services and women’s access to health in many various ways that make one understand that this is more an attack to eradicate women’s empowerment and rights. As  one of the attendees at the Population Connection Action Fund conference stated, the United States is a global forefront for freedom of speech and by imposing this rule it limits freedom of speech in health facilities and impedes doctors from informing and giving patients the best options (whether including abortion or not) available to them.

The Trump Administration has made it its’ personal goal to eradicate the development of reproductive health and rights globally. Domestically these bullshit policies would not be supported, therefore the administration is attacking women’s health in developing countries by cutting funding from programs supporting family planning services.

Using ridiculous reasoning, and absolutely fake news, the US has withdrawn funding from the UNFPA (United Nations Population Fund) which is an organization that works in Member States of the UN to provide health services to sustain women’s health care. UNFPA does not administer abortions, and mainly aims to provide resources and services to ensure that “every pregnancy is wanted, every birth is safe, every young person is free of HIV/AIDs, and every girl and woman is treated equally.” The mission of UNFPA and that of many family planning organizations is to promote reproductive health and rights for all,  which is a basic human right that all individuals have. The US defunding such programs is not only promoting unwanted pregnancies, unsafe abortions as well as STDs but is also in violation of basic human rights.

I urge you all to please stand with me, stand with Population Connection Action Fund, UNFPA, other health organizations and women across the globe to fight for human & reproductive health rights, fight for health empowerment and rights, to fight for HER.

Spread this message through your social media, and educate yourself on reproductive freedom and rights, and contact your representatives to support the Global HER Act (bill proposed opposing the Global GAG Rule). Text FIGHT to 52886 to learn more.

“Is That Your Real Hair?”

The other day my friend and I were standing in Walmart, talking, waiting for our uber to arrive and a caucasian lady walked up to her touched her braids and asked her whether that was her real hair. During the conversation, she continued to pet her hair, then complimented it and walked away.

I asked my friend: could you imagine walking up to a white girl, petting her hair and asking whether her hair was real? At that point we just looked at each other and laughed. Because no, we could never imagine doing that, but these incidents occur regularly in our lives.

Why?

Well there’s uneducated ignorance where others do not know much about black culture due to various reasons that are both within and outside their control. First stereotypes play a huge role in these instances. “All black girls wear weave.” Correction: everyone regardless of background wears weave, as we can see with our lovely Kardashian family. And here’s a secret: extensions are a just a fancier term for weave.

People choose to believe these stereotypes and proceed to making assumptions which leads to accidents where instead of one just complimenting the hair, proceed to ask whether the hair is real or not.

It is understandable that there is a difficulty in knowing because Hair is a big part of black culture and there are different hairstyles that have a very deep cultural significance and are part of the identity as a black girl. Culture is not the only factor that goes into wearing braids, cornrows, twists etc.., it is affected also by weather, habits, and the way our hair is naturally built.

Whether the hair is real or not, hair is part of how we express ourself, our emotions, our feelings. Personally I have the habit of changing my hair frequently because the way I wear my hair is affected by the way I’m feeling. There are periods when I’m feeling my afro and I rock that, days where I feel like having long lucious bouncy hair so I rock my weave, and I do get moods where I really want to wear braids so I do. The way we choose to wear our hair is affected by culture, habits, seasons, and how significant they are to us.

The way we wear our hair also aims to defy social norms, where people in general view black hair as non professional, not beautiful, and  exotic but not right. Day by day black women have been conquering those negative social views surrounding black hair, especially with the intention of inspiring younger generations to believe that their hair is beautiful too! I can see that with my younger sister, where while my experience as young black girl was to shy away from my hair and my braids, through my learning, appreciation and pride in black hair and culture, she has this immense confidence and love for her hair, natural or not.

Our hair is beautiful, it is a part of our culture, our identity. It is a great thing that other cultures can love and learn about too. But it is important to understand that there is a right way to show appreciation and to ask questions when it comes to learning about black or any other culture. Making assumptions, stereotypes, and appropriating our culture are not the right ways. And most importantly, do not touch our hair.

Living Our Dreams

Throughout our lives, my siblings and I were often asked the question, “what do you want to be when you grow up”. My parents immigrated across the globe, because of what my brother and I wanted to be when we grow up. I often hear young people (especially children of immigrants) speaking about the pressure they feel from their parents to strive for a better life than they had. I’ve felt this pressure my entire life, as I’ve been an immigrant in two countries since the age of five.

I am reminded of that pressure, the responsibility to strive to do the best that I can (and sometimes can’t) for myself, and most importantly so that the many sacrifices that my parents have made and continue to make, are not in vain.

It never crossed my mind to question what my parents dreamed about being in the future when they were younger.  They definitely did not dream about leaving their country to be considered “illegals”, “criminals”, “job stealers”, or “a problem to be dealt with to make a country great again”.

Nonetheless,  they did dream about being lawyers, doctors, nurses, more importantly they dreamed about making a better life for themselves and their children, they did dream about traveling to places that present opportunities that they were never offered before, they dreamed of a better life for their children.

In a way, what we want to be in the future is part of our parents’ dream, seeing us attend universities, travel to places, getting the opportunity to accomplish our dreams, is their dream coming true.

You Speaking White

My friends of color often laugh at me when they hear me talking to my white friends because I speak differently. I do.

This is not news to me, because ever since I moved to this country I have been told “You speak like a white person”. It did take me a while to understand what that meant, because coming from Italy, where MOST, of my friends were white, I talked like everyone else around me.

However, when I moved to the US, to Newark, a predominantly black community, I came upon the realization that I did speak differently. The combination of a very thick accent, learning new slang, and speaking “dictionary english”, and I guess just my tone, made me sound differently than my classmates, but I never thought of it as speaking “white”.

As time went on, understanding the system and racial issues of this country made me realize that I do speak differently. Differently in the sense that the way speak tends to be associated with a certain race.  There is not necessarily a good way of speaking, because as Jay-Z said “intelligence is not attributed to color”, but there are different perceptions of a person’s tone and choice of words that are attributed to certain groups of people. People are and judged treated differently based on the notion of whether they sound white or black. Several people I know put on their “white voices” when speaking on the phone, because you are more likely to get listened to if you sound white. People respect you more when you speak “white”. I could never and still can’t believe this is a reality. It baffles me how oppressive this is. The implicit meaning of how “white” equals more intelligent, worthy of your attention.

Personally I have tried speaking more of what is considered as a “black person” because I wanted to feel part of my people and did not want it to seem like I was agreeing with problematic views. I was told that I didn’t sound right and that’s right because I just sound like me, accent and all. Yet, over the years, I guess unconsciously I have assimilated to speaking differently depending on the type of people I am surrounded by. Even though I am aware of this, I do not even realize that I am doing so, until it’s pointed out to me. This behavior has become natural to me, and I wonder why? Is it to fit in? To feel more included or accepted within the race I am surrounded by? Is it just a behavior which I have learned to better adapt?

To be honest, this entire notion of a way of speech being associated to a race is ridiculous to me, however I do recognize that it is real social matter.

You Only Live Once

Do you ever feel restless? Filled with boredom? I feel stuck, but full of energy to do more, to experience, to live. Lately I just find myself searching to live, to go out, do something. I used to be content with staying in and enjoying time alone. I still do, but I have this feeling that even though I am alive, I’m not living. There’s more out there for me to experience, learn from. I have outgrown being here, Galloway…Newark…New Jersey. I need to leave and live. I feel the best during the times when I travel, meet other people, see places, experience things I have never before. That’s when I feel alive, I feel growth within and around me.

I’m unsatisfied, uninspired, content but not excited, alive but not living. I’m restless.